hmm

i have this lingering fear of not being able to survive the weight of my own emotions.

on the outside (i hope), it probably doesn't seem like i'm in a constant state of trying hard to function even as i struggle to stay afloat, but i am, and it gets crippling at times—you could tell by my random shut-downs and MIAs.

there are days when the gauge is too short and i reach my limit mid-day and in front of other people, and i fear i might lose myself in the middle of even the most mundane conversations. 

i'm usually pretty decent at processing my feelings or at least understanding them, but even when i do have a good idea of whatever it is that's causing my thoughts to spiral, they're next to impossible to express.

it is for this reason that i think twice about venting, even when i know just how badly i need to.

it's not their fault, but i've noticed the trouble people have had to deal with being the receiving end of my mental leaks... never mind the fact that i have poor narration skills so it's probably such a chore listening to me (or reading my spammy chats (because i type as i think and hit enter everytime my brain pauses to breathe instead of wait for my thoughts to settle)).

i honestly think i might go crazy someday. and everyday, it feels like a battle i might lose soon.

i wish i knew what to do.

i wish i could control my brain.

i wish i could switch off the mass that's weighing down on my chest 24/7, make it vanish into thin air somehow. 

i wish i didn't have to grow if maturity was going to be this deadly.

i don't wanna go crazy. but i fear i will.

hmm, if i do, will it be the rest i had always needed? 

who knows, really? even i don't. and it hurts to be this clueless and unstable.