lol, what a joke

i'm really starting to more seriously wonder how evil i must've been in my past life to deserve all the crap i drag myself through everyday.

i mean there are days when it's almost bearable, but i'm hardly at peace, let alone happy—and that's saying a lot, considering i'm a pro at finding things to be happy about on most days.

it's like everytime i go thru some shit and say it couldn't get any worse than this, it almost always gets a lot worse the very next moment. ha! talk about talking too soon. 

some sick joke you got there, huh

this happens to me almost everyday, but it's become so much of a norm for me that it's honestly not too worthy of being a subject for my ramblings any longer.

but i guess there just are days like today when i'd have to physically let things out if i'm even the least bit interested in keeping my head intact (usually by venting thru writing, because voice calls make me anxious and i can't just meet ppl out of nowhere to badmouth life).

everyday i dream about a mental state where not everything's a dumpster fire. cause i hate being so negative but it's literally the only thing i get no matter how hard i try to "look at life positively."

the truth is when ppl tell me to cheer up, i always end up feeling a lot worse than i did to begin with. i mean, who wants to be so miserable all the time? i'm an unwilling participant in this downer party. do they even get that? if it were that easy to turn my thoughts around, i'd be your poster smiling girl any day...

in fact, if i have to, i'd even go through hell if it meant feeling content at least, if happiness really isn't for me in this lifetime.

in case i hadn't made it clear enough, i hate being so unhappy. but what do i do if i physically can't help it? 

having said all that, i do think i'm getting better, or at least on the road to beginning to get better, i hope. i'd never had the time nor the energy to update this blog before, but here i am now uploading multiple entries in a week. granted they're just me whining, but come on, don't i deserve some credit at least? *yay me*

i'm doing so well, aren't i?

it may not seem like it, but i am trying. just ask anyone whom i've had to physically interact with. very few ppl would probably get a whiff of the bloody battle between wanting to live and begging to die that goes on in my head daily. 

i sincerely hope i could get better soon cause i hate it here. if i'm this "bubbly" and "energetic" while suffering, can anybody imagine how much i'd be thriving if i were happy? just picture it... cause i sincerely can't :)) 

thank God for this blog, though. i can vent all i want without unnecessarily sharing the burden to anyone who has their own crosses to carry.

i send out my sincerest apologies to anyone whom i've opened up to. you didn't deserve all that negativity but i'm happy i had you in those moments when i would have my arms out, blindly grasping at whatever i could use to breathe. i am sorry, but also incredibly grateful. 

so i guess this is it for now. i can already feel the pain that's supposedly due for tomorrow, but i'll manage.