the self-hate is pretty intense today

i'm a pisces, and my sign is known to be highly mutable with intense 'go with the flow' tendencies, which imo, is just a pretty way of saying we're known to be unstable.

and say what you will about astrology and all, but that couldn't be any truer for me.

unfortunately, it's one of the traits i have that i am most embarrassed about. it also scares me to great lengths.

i'm not so much a noble silent sufferer in that i have not exactly kept all my suffering to myself. in fact, i have opened up to some people in my life about my deepest feelings. i could probably count them on one hand but that's beside the point (this whole paragraph is beside the point, lol).

but i am honestly soooo embarrassed about my unstableness, my worries + anxieties, and basically 80% of what makes me me. i keep thinking about how burdened the people i vent to must be feeling whenever i run to them for support. i mean who wouldn't be? i know how it feels like to be the person who listens, and even though i truly want to help, it can be overwhelming sometimes.

to be fair, it's not like i only go to them to offload my negativity. in fact, i think i actively try to stay away from those conversations if i can help it. it's usually when it gets too heavy to carry alone that i decide to let even the littlest of that vulnerability seep through.

but i'm straying from the topic again. so anyway—

i'm writing this entry because i have yet again managed to find new things to be tirelessly anxious about, yay!!!!

if anyone's curious, they're nothing special, really. just normal dilemmas that anyone would have but that my brain is trying to convince me could be the end of me.

1. there's a decision i'm dying to make, but i don't have the guts to. a very good friend told me not to fear or feel embarrassed about my being unstable and to face that head on instead (like accept that i'm this shit of a person ahha) so i could work on ways to handle myself whenever these thoughts intrude.

she also told me it's completely fine [to be this conflicted] because i'm "still in the process of finding myself" which is why there's so many things i wanna do. i feel like that might sound encouraging or soothing to some, but boy was that a hard pill to swallow... and i'm not a huge water-drinker (probably why i'm this unhealthy overall).

2. i can't understand why i truly, truly feel like the one at fault whenever somebody hurts me. really, how is that possible? i hate people but i also love them. and the more i'm supposed to hate them, the easier it gets to pin the loathing on myself.

wouldn't the normal reaction be to feel bad about the "perpetrator"? please explain to me why that's virtually impossible for me. i mean, i complain about it, but i think it's probably to cover the fact that deep inside i don't honestly believe people hurt me. i am hurt because i let people hurt me. i literally realized that as i typed it. doesn't make it any less true.

3. i hate me. LIKE A LOT. and not a day goes by where i don't remind myself that. i wish i were exaggerating, but i would physically try to remember if i'd already professed my self-loathing for the day, as mandated by yours truly. it's like a mental alarm clock set to repeat daily.

but as the title of this entry has probably hinted at (or i hope has hinted at), the self-hate is a bit too strong today. and again, i feel like i can't make it. but i always do. and i can't decide if that's a good thing. because it's a cycle that i bet nobody would want to be trapped in.

maybe i'm this miserable bc i haven't been doing wish sticks??

*deeeeep siiigghhhh*

thanks for bearing with me, my non-existent audience. i don't wanna scare my real pals away so you have no choice but to deal with my uglies today.

sayonara ~