hard pills

i did some reading and picked up a few ugly truths about myself:

• i talk too much about myself (doesn't matter here, it's my blog) 
• i talk too much about my sadness
• i overshare, without considering how much of a burden or a long sigh of annoyance i've become to some ppl
• i'm too negative
• i have a victim mentality or wtvr it's called
• i have a tendency to not respect boundaries (to be fair to myself, this is when the 'boundaries' aren't clearly communicated. which is why i'd rather be told to my face when i have to take a step away)
• i can become too defensive (exhibit a: previous bullet)
• i have too much baggage and a whole lot of issues to deal with myself, before i should even think abt connecting with others
• do i talk over my friends' problems when they open up to me? (phrased as a question bc i'm still tryna figure it out) 
• i like to think i can read ppl and that i could tell when they've become exhausted from having to constantly deal with me, but maybe it depends on how deeply i feel for the person. i've started to wonder if perhaps this ability of mine to read the room becomes greatly diminished when it comes to the ppl i would least expect to grow tired of me (i can't really blame them, though, not one bit)

these are only some of the things i could think up at this very moment, but i know there's more lapses to my being than i might even ever find out. and i can't tell if that's a good thing or not.

because i wanna change. i wanna grow. but at the same time, truth hurts, and i'm too beat up to receive any more pain... at least for now.

it's sickening to realize that these realizations have all been things that the ppl i interact or have interacted with have been getting from me. all this time.

i am embarrassed and 10000000% sorry. and i wanna disappear. not die, bc even though i'm suicidal, i'm most afraid of death. so i just wanna disappear. vanish into thin air, just stop existing somehow.

i'm bursting at the seams

maybe i just feel too much. but how does anybody ever stop feeling too much?